The Problem
With shocking regularity, senior citizens in Southern California
and parts of Florida’s chad-zone have been hurling
themselves into brick walls, driving off multilevel parking
garages and venting their forgetfulness on unsuspecting
farmers’ market shoppers. Since 1986, grateful California
drivers have had the privilege of participating in Sobriety
Checkpoints, designed to stop accidents before they happen.
Unfortunately like many weak-kneed laws, the checkpoint
concept needs to be expanded. Our organization, NOTSAFE
(National Organization Taunting Safety And Fairness Everywhere)
would like to offer some ideas to make our freeways, farmers’
markets and country safer.
We feel that the time is right for NATIONAL legislation
to establish more comprehensive and expanded random roadblocks
where police and other experts can check for hand-eye coordination,
dulled perception, mental health stressors, physical ailments,
illegal drugs, hidden contraband, and potential terrorists.
The Solution--Senility
Checkpoints & Tar Zone MD’s
There are many things which can turn 2 tons of metal and
plastic into a death machine, but most will agree that it's
ultimately the person perched on pillows behind the wheel
who gets to play judge, jury and executioner. Although alcohol
is the greatest threat to sound judgment, many over-the-counter
antihistamines, allergy, and herbal concoctions can cause
drowsiness, and slow reactions. Lack of sleep combined with
powerful laxatives can result in a deadly distraction if
someone with IBS (irritated bowel syndrome) has to quickly
slam on the brakes to avoid a rear end collision. It's possible
for some people to experience euphoria, disorientation and
a false sense of security by combining aspirin and high
levels of Vitamin A. Acid indigestion from too much tomato
juice, nasal spray or stress in the workplace can result
in anxiety, rude behavior and, like a trail of dominoes,
trigger road-rage in others.
Freeway sloppiness can be caused by crumbling potato chips
or chocolate overdose as easily as consuming a six-martini-lunch.
Mandatory “prediabetes” urine test should be
part of all roadside physical examinations. Trained family
counselors and “freeway” psychiatrist could
be on constant patrol. These specialists would detect suicidal
tendencies for those traversing lonely stretches of rural
blacktop. By asking a series of simple questions these tar-zone
MD’s would have final authority to determine if the
driver is fit to control a deadly weapon. How was your day
at work? Is your mother-in-law treating you with respect?
Why do you smoke? Is your long daily commute starting to
piss you off? Why are there bags under you eyes? How long
have you been working for the post office without a promotion?
Stressed drivers could be given bucket-seat yoga lessons,
breathing or chanting exercises and, if necessary, on-the-spot-electo-shock
therapy. By conducting simple blood pressure, glaucoma and
rectal exams, unsuspecting drivers will experience better
health and live longer to drive further than their ancestors.
Making The Road Safe For Future Drivers
Those with poor visual acuity or slow reaction times (when
tested with a cattle prod) should be forced to take the
bus. A complete roadside physical examination under the
videotaped supervision of a trained highway patrol officer,
physician and circling TV-news helicopters might serve as
a deterrent for feeble individuals, procrastinators or those
contemplating unlawful activities. During the vehicle and
driver inspection, why not take the opportunity to examine
any passengers for contagious diseases, such as tuberculosis,
STD, smallpox or precancerous growths in the lymph nodes,
groin or breast. Annual hearing, cognitive and attitude
checkups given teenagers (pre-drivers) and obnoxious back-seat
drivers would quickly identify those prone to loud music,
drugs or reckless abandon.
Mechanics Can Make
A Difference
The mechanical soundness of the vehicle (engine, brakes,
lights, turn signals, horn and non-static seat covers) should
be part of a 50-point safety inspection which could be completed
in less than an hour while the driver is being screened
for attention deficit disorders, excessive caffeine levels
or spontaneous twitching.
Dangerous vehicle accessories (cell phones, radios, CD/stereos,
cigarette lighters, food/beverage holders) should not be
installed in automobiles because of their potential for
distraction, nerve damage and long-term health hazards.
Ignition timing controls could limit the amount of actual
driving time by automatically stopping the car every 45
minutes with soothing audio instructions on how to stretch
your legs along with proper dietary guidelines. These slight
inconveniences are worth fewer highway fatalities and a
healthier society.
Terror-Proofing Highways
with Security Checkpoints
Misunderstood criminals can be found almost everywhere.
If vehicles were frisked before their owners committed a
crime, money could be spent on rehabilitation (and road
repair) instead of punishment. With the single stroke of
a Presidential pen, Sobriety and Senility Checkpoints could
be expanded into Security Checkpoints. Large polluting SUV’s,
pickup trucks with rifle racks or camouflaged 4-wheel drives
with provocative bumper stickers should be inspected for
hidden explosives, weapons of mass construction (crowbars,
knives, hammers, nail-guns, hacksaws, electric drills, sharp
objects, duct tape, box cutters, jumper cables, gasoline
containers, matches, pressurized cans of tire sealant) stolen
property, child porn, burglary paraphernalia, turban-like
headgear, counterfeit money or redneck demeanor. Remember,
the next stop for any vehicle could be an airport.
Is There An
Alternative?
A less intrusive, less expensive alternative to establishing
checkpoints for everyone and everything might be to allow
drivers and pedestrians to police themselves. Why not offer
handsome rewards to anyone who reports a road-raging drunk
or senile driver trying to cut a swath through the nearest
farmers’ market or school yard? By making bounty hunters
out of anyone with a cell phone, those who are angry, loaded,
stressed, borderline-senile, reckless or contemplating a
crime might think twice before turning the key. It seems
infinitely more dangerous (and naive) to allow paternalistic,
well-intentioned bureaucrats who can't even run their own
lives to take control of those keys. We should be concerned,
very concerned.
If it's worth doing right...it's worth OVER
doing.