The NOTSAFE Pre-News Index

Breaking News…BEFORE It Happens!!


Click on “thumbnail” images to enlarge.




July 1, 2006

North Korean Missiles Destroyed By Beer Cans In Space!

Garbage launched in early 1999 has luckily (but accidentally)  “trashed” a  TOD (Type Of Dong) intercontinental missile which was on a  trajectory to penetrate San Francisco. It is believed that this missile was carrying small (but ecologically safe) nuclear warhead. A similar plan, using randomly strewn empty garbage cans, is now being considered to slow down speeding drivers on all interstate freeway systems. Learn about the “litter-defense” theory by clicking on this link.


July 3, 2006

Anti War Protestors Begin 4 Hour Hunger Strike

Cindy Sheehan and a dozen high (and high profile) Hollywood celebrities have begun a grueling 4 hour hunger strike. This strike will continue until President Bush has agreed to become a vegetarian, practice harmonic convergence and withdraw all U.S. military forces from Iraq, Afghanistan, Bosnia, New Orleans, Topeka and the Pentagon.


Promising not to surrender to their “biological needs” until ALL demands have been met, they are prepared to begin their “rolling” hunger strike at least once every 4 hours…and will only consume items approved in the “Michael Moore” diet…Details of their special “Peace Diet”  can be found at…



July 16, 2006

Terrorist Plot To Use “Synchronized Flush

How could something as simple as a bathroom toilet become a weapon? As terrorist have discovered, all it takes is a little planning, an accurate watch and a lot of crap.

Have you ever felt that rumbling down deep inside and knew something BIG was about to happen? Do you have that inexplicable need to express yourself, but don’t know how to write? Here’s a sure-fire method to get your message exposed by simply flushing your toilet. Seat belt required before reading.



July 22, 2006

House Pets Confiscated To Feed Starving Children

Do you have a spare pet hanging around the house? Would you like to save endangered species and prevent destruction to the Rain Forest? This article was the result of a disturbing story from US News and World Report about “bush meat”. No insects, mammals, reptiles or endangered species were harmed, embarrassed or insulted during the production of this “press release”.



July 25, 2006

Lawmakers Vote to Ban Violent Parties

Before allowing your child to attend another birthday party, read how violence and baseball bats can create a dangerous situation and spawn terrorism.



August 3, 2006

Tourist Need “pa$$port” to Visit SB

Santa Barbara has a beautiful climate, lots of great restaurants and only the best tourists should be allowed to visit.




August 16, 2006

New Laws Passed to Prevent Senile Driving

Are senile drivers more dangerous than drunks?  Could “sobriety checkpoints” be the first step to a police state? Before you put the keys in the ignition, think about the risks and read these two articles.



August 21, 2006

Skateboarding Injuries Prompt New Regulations

Skateboarding and roller skates are just too dangerous to go unregulated. See if you don’t agree. Joggers are next.




Don’t By It If You Can’t Touch It!!

Don’t Get Scammed By “Name-A-Star” Hoaxes…Buy REAL SAND Instead

Before sending $50 to get a star named for someone, consider naming a grain of sand instead. This special offer will save you time and money.



Dangerous Gifts!! Give Them Before It’s Too Late!

Barney Brantingham of the Santa Barbara News Press helps spread the word on “safe giving”. Here are some things to avoid giving for Christmas, Birthdays and Anniversaries.



September 15, 2006

Federal Law Needed To Halt Water Abuse

Water, water...everywhere.  And all it does is kill.




September 29, 2006

Smoke Detectors Soon Required in Automobiles

Car fires don’t happen often, but new regulations will make sure that you are warned when any smoke is detected in your vehicles. If a  passenger decides to “light up”, the  detector will alarm emit an ear shattering noise and your car’s engine will automatically be turned off.  “It’s for your own good” lawmakers say.

I was invited by “Baron” Ron Herron to give this “radio rebuttal” which was broadcast on KIST Santa Barbara, after the City Council enacted a regulation requiring every house to have a smoke detector. The long term hazards are just now being recognized.



October 2, 2006

Buckle Seat Belt or Go-To-Jail

This “suggestion” was sent to Barney Brantingham (Santa Barbara NewsPress) as a joke. Within 2 years, California lawmakers enacted the mandatory seat belt laws.




Apply the “Revolving Door” Theory To Bureaucrats

Incompetence & Inefficiency In Government---Not A Bad Thing?




October 15, 2006

PETA Lobbys For Insect & Bacterial “Rights”

If animals have rights...shouldn’t insects (even the ugly ones) have rights also?


And why not the herpes virus?



Thanks (I think) to Al Martinez who wrote this article for the Los Angeles Times. The story was picked up by several wire services. The result was about 70 radio interviews, 6 television reports, 40 new members to NOTSAFE, 3 wedding proposals and  5 pieces of “hate mail” from “animal rights” fascists.



State-of-the-Art “Gun Control” & Inventory Madness

Here is a collection of articles/clippings from some of your favorite prisons and police stations.  These raise the question of “effective” enforcement in some of the most tightly controlled environments on earth. How well do bureaucrats and “police agencies” control their own guns?  That question is also answered.



The Perfectly (SAFE) Toy

Looking for a perfect toy?  Christmas is always just around the corner and this is the only Level 5 toy ever marketed. You can still buy one for only $4,250.00 (plus tax and shipping).



The Order—It’s Only Fiction… For A While

The Order—First published in the Journal of Irreproducible Results in 1981, this is a “fictional” prediction about micro-implanted transmitters. Based upon a bad dream I had after eating spinach, it has helped many of us prepare us for the methods that Big Brother will utilize to make this a safer world. This article has been republished 5 times during the past 25 years in the JIR. Thanks to Editors Dr. George Scherr and Dr. Norman Sperling for having the courage to publish this and the many other NOTSAFE articles.



October 28, 2006

Halloween Banned Nationwide

After years of protest by religious groups and safety advocated, federal legislation now prohibits the scaring of children and/or distribution of candy or prizes by strangers between sunset and sunrise from October 27 through November 1 each year. The ACLU, representing several satanic cults and confectionary manufacturers, plans to file lawsuits to overturn this law on the grounds that it doesn’t protect “devil worshiping” endangered species.

Halloween is the scariest time of the year…be afraid, be VERY afraid.



Crop Circles Discovered in Montecito, California

The global warming trend, melting polar bear ice craps and high altitude atmospheric disturbances felt last night (7-4-06) around 9PM are clear evidence that the Bush Administration has failed to protect the environment. Additional photographic evidence  from anonymous sources at the New York Times also indicated an increased frequency in Montecito area crop circles.  It is rumored that several alien abductions have occurred in our quiet little community (3 people on San Ysidro Road last week alone).


In one location near Casa De Maria, white powdery radioactive dust particles were  detected in the surrounding bushes and may have polluted the water supply for southern California.  Seismic activity in the Santa Barbara area has also been increasing during the past 6 years...coincidence? This may be the “side-effects” (?) of secret experiments being conducted by the military using satellites to "microwave" tiger salamanders in our area.


These photos were submitted by an anonymous tipster wearing the latest New-York-Times-Approved aluminum foil ski-cap.


CAUTION: Some of these images may not be suitable for younger viewers.




November 2, 2006

Parental Licensing Necessary To Reduce Child Abuse

A national certification program has been established which will require a license before a woman can become pregnant. This law will enable child protective and government experts to determine whether or not a “potential parent” has sufficient education and physical health to spawn. Many babies are born with fetal alcohol syndrome (or addicted to illegal drugs) because the parents were unprepared . A“User Handbook” will be available to all new parents upon completion of the 2 year home-study course. Birth control methods will be part of this voluntary program, which will become mandatory by 2009.

What can be done about child abuse? Many, many things. This pre-news article is P-Rated



Dangerous Objects In The News

Doctors in the UK want to ban kitchen knives, soda cans used in “road rage” incidents, and the controversial “bull horns” of Pamplona, Spain….butt wait…THERE’S MORE!!




Guns In The Cockpit?

Could a gun in the cockpit have saved thousands of lives?  You decide.



Indulge Your “Inner Pig” Using Michael Moore Diet

Everyone loves a big fat pig.  At least that’s what pigs think. Join the “butter-for-lunch-bunch” and find out how to pack on those extra pounds within just a few days.




Speaking of Tongues…

God speaks in many many ears.  One morning He interrupted the “snap, crackle, pop”...and I was listening. Send $8 million by March or these little flakes get eaten.



Insight on NOTSAFE Plan

This article by Glenn Simpson (Insight Magazine) from1989 was one of the most comprehensive explanations of our goals and methods. If you’re going to print only ONE article to understand NOTSAFE, this is the one.




Pilot Drugged By Cranky Waitress Crashes Plane

This is an absolutely fictional story written in 1975…and could never happen



Airline Safety Stripped To The Bare Essentials

Fly Naked..Fly Safe!!   Aviation safety has always been one of my favorite subjects. Here are some ways to make the skies friendlier. All passengers please remove their clothes before boarding...and don’t stand too close to the person in front of you.





Drug Paraphernalia and Look-Alike-Bureaucrats

See if you can find the “real” Jerry Brown in this photograph. Drug (and politician) “look-alikes” should be prohibited.



Brain Buckets For Everyone

Ok, so everyone that rides should wear a helmet.  How about bicycles, tricycles, and roller skaters. Don’t forget little red wagons, wheelbarrow racers and get the picture.



Quagmire—The Movie

The first (and last) quarterly edition of QUAGMIRE—Official Newsletter of NOTSAFE

Original copies now considered a “collectors item” frequently sold on E-bay for $250-$800 depending upon condition.




Forcing Churches To Shelter The Homeless

Where are all the “good Samaritans” when the homeless are freezing? Here is a suggestion that got a few  “steeples” riled up.



Plan Allows Homeless To Trade Organs For Food/Shelter

When there are too many homeless, how can they be used to guaranteed enough transplant organs for the rich? This press release was prompted by the “controversial” use of a baboon heart in a human.



Hamburgers & Taxes—Too Much Of A Good Thing?

This University of Colorado “PictoGram” in US News and World Report and Farm Journal article (1925) speak for themselves.



While living in Santa Barbara, Pat Cox wrote this article for Reason Magazine.



Auto Safety In The Rear View Mirror

The NHTSA required 3 tail lights to make driving safer. NOTSAFE thinks more tail lights and a few other items would make everyone safer.



Here are some “creative” taxation ideas. When it comes to the IRS, be afraid…be very afraid.




Senator Gary Hart had this great idea...we just added a few “side notes” and one for the road.



Pointing A Finger—Hazardous To Your Health

If you point your finger at someone, be sure it isn’t a cop having a bad day.



Evil Messages In Music, Stop Signs and Bumper Stickers

Who knows what evil lurks in the music of youth?…Bureaucrats know!

See an actual example of a “pornographic” bumper sticker published by the Goleta (Californica) Water District.  This page is rated PG (Potentially Gross)…not recommended for weak stomachs.



Weakness Attracts Vultures

From Secretary of State Madeline Albright’s own mouth…


This “editorial” was read to Southern California listeners on KNX Radio AM1070 in response to a “why can’t we all just get along” whiner.





NOTSAFE’s Tax-The-Poor Plan

Special “tax plan” for special people…




Even Warning Labels Can Be Dangerous

Every year..the same old “warnings”…now there’s something to really be afraid of!!



Way to go Michael!!



Dalina (age 7) At her first interview .



Dalina (age 8) for an English assignment created this 4 page “Newspaper” designed to explain NOTSAFE to younger children.



All The News That Broke Before It’s Time

This is a collection of published newspaper/magazine articles from all over, including, National Enquirer, Dallas Morning News, New Jersey Record and a reprint of the Al Martinez Los Angeles Times story in a German magazine.



Cartoons With An Edge

These are some of the best “NOTSAFE” category cartoons I’ve found…


Things To Avoid…

1.     Being associated with “oddballs”, cults, zealots, bureaucrats and people who wear fur coats in August.

2.     Fill in the blank________________________

3.     Being interviewed by journalist assembling a story on “oddballs” cults and people who eat fur coats.